1.Never let any part of
your body hang off the bed while you’re sleeping. Even if you don’t have a
supernatural problem, you could have rats. Or spiders. Or snakes. Or roaches.
Or a depraved dog. Or a psycho pretending to be your dog. You get the point:
Tuck and Bundle.
2.Never, for any reason
at all, go into the basement; especially if you heard a strange noise. The same
applies to the attic. I don’t care if you really need that last jar of Granny’s
canned peaches. It’s not worth it.
3.Don’t spend the night
in a rumored-to-be-haunted building. This is a no-brainer. Avoid going inside
if at all possible.
4.If you ignored #3,
and thought you’d be safe if you went in a group, don’t ever separate from the
damn group! Splitting up is never a good idea. That being said…
5.Don’t trust anyone!
Even your best friend could turn against you in a crisis, and there’s a good
chance that if Jennifer suggested this little excursion, she didn’t have your
best interest at heart from the beginning.
6.Don’t. Trust.
Literally. Anyone. I mean, even yourself. You could have some split personality
that you’re not even aware of, and that split personality is probably a real
asshole.
7.Seeing is not
believing. Remember when I mentioned that you couldn’t even trust yourself?
That may not be due to a split personality, you could just be crazy.
8.Surround yourself
with horror-survival necessities: stupid or unlikeable people, at least one dog
(more is better), and a buttload of backup supplies (flashlights, batteries,
matches, lighter fluid, bandages, Neosporin, Guns, Ammo, you get the point).
The first two serve as a good last line of defense to whatever baddie is after
you (I mean, the stupid people and jerks always go first, right? And pets make
a lot of noise, which serial killers and spirits both seem to generally
dislike), and the third is just good planning. How many times have we seen the
flashlight flicker, or the last survivor run out of matches or ammo? These
things are preventable, people! That being said, keep the stupid people away from
your supplies, unless you want said supplies to “mysteriously disappear” or
somehow all get used up.
9.Run, don’t hide. You think
that the ghost of a maniacal surgeon can’t see through that cabinet you’re
hiding inside, you’re wrong. Just expect them to know everything.
And Finally,
10.Keep the kids out of it. Just realized the house you bought might be
haunted? Maybe you’re still in denial after little Johnny got dragged across
the ceiling last night? If you’re not going to move, send the kids to Grandma’s.
The last thing you need to worry about is a couple of toddlers when the ceiling
is imploding and rotting corpses are crawling up from the floorboards. Come on,
this stuff is common sense.
